fuckyeahlaughters:

chudobs:

someone has waited their entire life to put that title to use and if he is not promoted immediately i am calling the l.a. times and complaining

(Source: tastefullyoffensive)

fuckyeahlaughters:

l1berum:

OMG HE WAS SLEEPING WITH HIS NOSE JUST ABOVE WATER LEVEL

(Source: pleatedjeans)

(Source: sinkabeza)

My mom hired a transgender girl this week...

Co-worker: Did you know she's really a guy?
Mom: Not when I hired her but yes, I am aware now.
Co-worker: How could you hire someone like that?
Mom: Easy, she's adorable and more than capable of doing the job.
Co-worker: Well as a mother, I am appalled that he's allowed to work somewhere with people's children.
My mom: Listen here lady, that IS someone's child you're talking about. You are an adult. Stop acting like a child. SHE is a wonderful GIRL.
Co-Worker: Well I just don't feel safe sharing a bathroom with her.
Mom: Okay, she's transgender, not some kind of sexual predator. She's not going to attack you in the bathroom. She's obviously a better person than you. You know what? Why don't you go complain to management about it because your ignorance and hate is really pissing me off.
Seriously guys.... My mom is AMAZING.

My boyfriend says the absolute weirdest shit when he’s sleeping.

Me (not knowing he’s asleep): Goddamn it. I have to move these (music) files.
Him: Do it, darling. Or it’ll be like the time with the piano keys.
Me: … what?
Him: Don’t you remember the time with the piano keys? And the remote was stuck between the couch?
Me: …. what?
Him: And my brother spilled milk. It was everywhere.
Me: … uhhh.
Him: Remember the time he cut the red wire?
Me: …
Him: Everything exploded and all that was left was the t.v. Remember the buildings?
Me: …. what buildings?
Him: The cool buildings. I’ve never seen so much hand sanitizer in my life.
Me: ……
Him: Don’t you know what I’m talking about?
Me: No.
Him: Really? Here’s my words of wisdom: spiderwebs don’t make a good pillowcase.
Me: WHAT.
___

Him: The Statue of Liberty should have been made like you.
Me: What? Why?
Him: Because it would have been a delicious sandwich.
___

I CAN’T EVEN MAKE THIS SHIT UP. THE ENTIRE TIME I THOUGHT HE WAS AWAKE.

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motoasfuck:

thiinka:

damianwaynesboots:

A police officer was killed this week here in Arizona. Today is his daughter’s kindergarten graduation, and because he couldn’t be there, the rest of the force showed up to represent him.

biscuitmango:

badneto:

yin and yang

a challenger appears

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bitch-i-might-be-hannibal:

i’m crying

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touchdisky:

San Francisco, California, USA by MattRaygun

tobeymacguire:

• mental illness doesnt go away just because you fall in love
• if someone is ill and you want to be in a relationship with them dont expect to cure them
• their disease is not going to disappear so that you can have your happy ending